date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
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Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
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Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
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[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.