date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
You Might Also Like
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]