5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”