My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
You Might Also Like
Who says great literature is dead?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.