Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
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Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Dishonest mechanic?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.