Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?