The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
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People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.