Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.