If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
This meeting could have been a cake
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I already tried new things thanks.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back