While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
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crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!