My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
You Might Also Like
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
welp
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”