Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
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Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
No Google it does not
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good