Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
having children is a pyramid scheme.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving