All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
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[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.