I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.