coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
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This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Real House Wines.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
The government even made aliens boring
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
This one’s “Alex”.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick