I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Wait for it
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?