When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
TWEET CALL
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Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.