what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
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He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Check your privilege
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.