Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
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Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Breaking news:
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
j o i m p