Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
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Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars