If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP