Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
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Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”