one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
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the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time