I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Raisins are grape jerky.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”