It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
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I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it