This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
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mmm onion ringos
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
The Struggle
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
🤣😂
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.