STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
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If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
*puts my mental health in rice
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.