Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
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Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?