I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
You Might Also Like
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Not all heroes wear capes….
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Mornin
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos