I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
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Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
True
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
You sure about that?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.