I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
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*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.