Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
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A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
found my next D&D character name
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too