12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
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Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.