A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY