My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
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[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?