Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia