According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
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“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner