How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
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Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.