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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY