11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
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It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Oops I deleted….
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.