What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin