“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
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me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”