Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
You Might Also Like
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Banderslack Clamberdorch
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?