everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
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no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Care for your back
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too