Me recordaron éste meme
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DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle