[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
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I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.