Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
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Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.