The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
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Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
twitter is a journey
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”