Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Yup.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.