1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
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Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Some of y’all tomorrow …
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I already tried new things thanks.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Dance like you’re not the father
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
seems fine
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.